In Memoriam...

This year, it seemed an unjustifiably high number of big-time shows left us after successful runs on TV. Shows that changed the face of television. Shows that had an impact on society. Shows that left their imprint in our lives. Here they are, in no particular order:

24 (8 seasons): Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer once bit a chunk out of a guy's neck. Chloe. Edgar. President Logan. President Dennis Haysbert. Jack Bauer once bit off a man's ear. Tony Almeida. Michelle Dessler. Jack Bauer once cut off a man's head and put it inside a bowling bag. The CTU ring tone.

Ugly Betty (4 seasons): I still think about the Suarez family and wonder what they're up to. How are Hilda and Bobby? How is Betty in London? And I will forever miss Wilhelmina's one-liners and withering glares.

Lost (6 seasons): I will not miss this show. As well-written and nicely shot as it was, and as epic as the whole story was, there was a lot that aggravated me about the show. Kate and her love triangle. Juliet and her lack of facial expressions. The killing off of almost every minority. The appearance of random new characters late in the final season. The sheer arrogance with which the finale was written, like the creators were spitting in the face of every fan who had questions about the show.

Law & Order (20 seasons): The granddaddy of all law dramas, one that tied Gunsmoke's record for the longest-running American TV drama. I didn't watch Gunsmoke, and I didn't watch Law & Order. I should tip my hat to this show, because without it, there would not be a Law & Order: SVU.

So there you have it. However you felt about these shows, and whether you even watched them, you know that TV will not be the same without them.

24: The Silent Clock.

Wow. Let's just say I am so glad that last night's 24 was a two-parter. There was no way the first episode by itself would've sufficed for a whole week. What a fantastic two episodes!

Some highlights:

-The shocking ending. Who saw that one coming? Let's rewind by about ten minutes: As Jack & Co. were going up the stairs, searching for President Hassan and the terrorists, I kept thinking how long-winded the masked hostage-taker was, the one who was reading the list of Hassan's so-called crimes. For crying out loud, he just kept going on and on and on. And on. It was getting ridiculous. And then we all found out THE VIDEO WAS PRERECORDED. Hassan was already dead. Holy moly. It was so sad. And there it was, that silent clock.

-Renee has the reflexes of a cat. Before I could shout at the TV, "SHE'S GOT A GUN!" Renee had already whipped out her gun and shot the blonde-wigged terrorist. Whew.

-Dana got hers. I was only sorry Jack didn't torture her for very long. Also, is anyone else wondering where the wimpy, meek Dana of episodes 1-12 went? It was like they swapped out that Dana for cool-cucumber Dana. I'm not buying this. Hey, writers! Next time you have someone suddenly be the mole, can you at least...wait. This is the last season of 24. Never mind.

-I. Love. Cherry. Jones. She laid the smack-down on Rob Weiss! I want her to be my real president. Can we co-elect her and Dennis Haysbert in 2016? I know they're not real presidents, and Dennis was assassinated on the show, but how great are they? And speaking of presidents, who else is excited for President Logan's return next week?

I had to miss Chuck to catch this two-hour 24, but it was totally worth it. TOTALLY WORTH IT. I only wish every week could be two hours of 24. But if wishes were fishes, we'd all be living underwater.

24: The Clock Will Finally Stop Ticking.

Fox announced over the weekend that this quasi-abysmal, quasi-awesome eighth season of 24 will be its last.

I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, the series has been uneven throughout its run. One good season followed by a bad. Probably my favorite seasons were 1) the first one, b) the one where Edgar died (still mourning that), and c) the one with President Logan.

Actually, I just Googled it, and Edgar died during the season with President Logan. So really, 24 has only had 2 awesome seasons and 6 okay/meh ones. That's kind of depressing.

On the other hand, I love 24. I've never missed an episode (this is not the same thing as "I've never fallen asleep while watching an episode"). I have two Jack Bauer action figures (anniversary gifts from the fiancé). I still get excited on Mondays from mid-January to mid-May, because even if there is nothing else to watch, there's always 24.

What I also like about 24 is that by now, I always know when someone will get shot, which is helpful when you're someone who can't stand the sound or sight of that sort of thing. (I always cover my ears and close my eyes.) I also know that no matter what kind of danger Jack is in, whether he's being tortured or defusing a bomb or getting shot at by the bad guys, he'll never be really hurt. I mean this season alone, he was shot in the gut and that very same hour, he scisscor-kick-snapped the neck of the Russian bad guy while handcuffed to a pipe in the ceiling...after being tortured by said Russian bad guy.

The end of 24. It feels more like the end of an era. I remember when it first premiered, just after 9/11, and how we lived in a different time back then, when the Muslims were the bad guys. Wait, the Muslims are still the bad guys. Thanks for never changing, 24!

Holy Plot Twist, 24!

I was totally floored last night, and not just because our wedding caterer canceled on us with just eight weeks to go (this has since been cleared up, PHEW).

No, I was also shocked by the revelation at the very end of last night's episode: Dana Walsh is working with the terrorists!

Up to this point, I had thought Dana the most useless character ever created for television. Distracting us from the terror plot du jour. Patronizing Chloe. Taking screen time away from Jack. Destroying poor Cole's life. Annoying us with her hair constantly over one shoulder. But finally, finally, Dana Walsh has reason to exist on this show!

I can't wait to see how this all goes down.

I just hope that at some point, Chloe has to Tase Dana to get information out of her. I'd have Jack do it, but it would just be nice to see Chloe whip out ole Shockey again. Remember when she Tased a dude at the bar? Twice? That was awesome.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Welcome back, 24!

24: Can Something Exciting Please Happen?

Previously on 24...

Yeah, I don't know what happened either. I was so bored within the first minute, I picked up the latest Entertainment Weekly. Did you know about the astounding number of books out there that are about fat women, but they all feature Skinny Minnies on the cover? Yeah, it's totally bogus. See: Every single Jennifer Weiner novel.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The latest episode of 24. From the snippets I caught in between reading EW and feeding my cat Rocky Road ice cream (chocolate is bad for cats, I know, but she loves it), I learned that Freddie Prinze Jr. has the heart of a felon, Farhad is still a wuss, and the Fox 5 Ten O'Clock News comes on at 1AM in the world of 24. Ernie Anastos, it's the middle of the night, but keep f**king that chicken!

Honestly, what happened to 24 this season?

A few theories:

1) Too many characters. I can't keep all the bad guys straight. Is it the Russians? The Middle Easterners? Which Middle Easterners? And what is Dana's ex's connection to all this? Do I even care?

2) Not enough Jack and Chloe. And when we do get Jack, he's...practically sane, and when we get a quick shot of Chloe, she's scowling 90% of the time. I'm tired of that Chloe scowl. Can we get a sister some lines?

3) The country of IRK. I don't know what IRK stands for (something something Kamistan), and I’m wondering if the person who came up with that knew what he was doing. But my question is this: Why does the show sometimes make up country names (IRK, Sangala) and sometimes use real ones (China, Russia)?

4) The lack of super awesome villains. Remember President Logan? Nina Myers? Heck, even Chuck Bartowski made a more intimidating (not to mention entertaining) bad guy on last night's Chuck.

So yeah. Next week, I'll be tuning in to 24 as I always do, but I don't know if my heart's in it anymore.

24: Grow A Spine, Starbuck!

I know this is going to make me sound insane, but I am one of those people who talks to her TV when something frustrates her or something crazy happens. To my credit, my fiance is usually in the room with me, so theoretically, you could say I am...uh...running my ideas past him, which makes me not as crazy. But yeah. I yell at my TV.

I was yelling last night during Chuck when he got inside the coffin with the dead guy and closed the lid...and you could still see everything inside the coffin. I went ballistic.

Me: How can you still see everything? It should be pitch-black!

Fiance: Well, he has his cell phone out, so maybe it's lighting up--

Me: NO! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Yeah.

I was yelling again during 24. I didn't mention this in my last 24 post, but Starbuck (it's a better name than Dana Walsh/Jenny Scott or whatever her character's real name is) drives me crazy with her hair over her left shoulder. In every single second of every episode so far (five hours and counting), she has had her blond hair over that same shoulder. It never leaves that position. Not when she turns her head, not when she gets up and walks around, and drives across town. Hair. Still. Over. Shoulder.

Speaking of driving across town, why is she still hanging around that Ricky Gervais-lookalike bad guy? First of all, when he found her cell number and called, she should've pretended it was a wrong number and hung up. Then she should've ignored every subsequent call from him. Then when he came to visit her, SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE DOWNSTAIRS. Now he knows a) she dyed her hair (which defeats the purpose of dyeing her hair) and b) she's still scared of him. Also, she should not have removed her engagement ring before seeing him. Because not five minutes later, she gives him the keys to her apartment (WHY???)...where she has tons of pictures everywhere of her and her fiance. And then when he calls her up and demands an explanation, she comes right out and admits she's engaged.

I won't even go into the fact that she promises him a six-figure sum to make him go away. After he smacks her around. Girl needs to grow a pair. Also, she has the government's resources at her beck and call. She could make him "disappear" quite easily. So why doesn't she?

Hey, even Hugh Grant joked about doing just such a thing on Love Actually, and he was the prime minister.

So yeah, I am annoyed at Starbuck and all her secret past/criminal ex-boyfriend drama. I'm not sure how (or if) it'll connect to the larger terrorism plot, and frankly, I don't care. The 24 writers set us up to dislike her from the start--she's weak, she's condescending to Chloe, and she's Hastings' pet. Now all of a sudden we're supposed to care about her? As she grows progressively spineless and shirks her job to tend to her psycho boyfriend? Freddie Prinze, Jr., you deserve better.

And speaking of Freddie, where was he last night? I missed him. Hey, 24 writers: Less Starbuck and more Freddie, please!

Last point: How on earth did Chloe miss that other car leaving the parking lot after Jack? It's not like her to be so careless. Far as I'm concerned, Chloe has eyes on the back of her head and on the sides of her face. She can monitor six video screens at once while conferencing in Field Ops and uploading schematics to Jack and making a cup of coffee, cream and two sugars, please. So why are the 24 writers making Chloe look so sloppy and slow this season? Blah.

Okay. Enough ranting. For now, anyway.

24: Jack Is Back! And His Son-In-Law's A Vampire!

I just watched the season premiere of 24, and first off, I am SUPER EXCITED this show is back. I have missed my Jack, and Chloe, and...yeah, that's about it, everyone else has been written off or killed. I'm still mourning Edgar.

Anyway, here are my early observations and thoughts so far:

-Jack's granddaughter is way cute. "Grandpa" is an unsettling moniker for Jack though. He does not look a day over 40.

-Since when is Chloe...incompetent? It was so bizarre seeing her get reprimanded every five minutes for being slow.

-Speaking of reprimands, the CTU New York boss is a class-A jerk. Bill Buchanan, come back from the dead! And bring Edgar with you.

-Jack killed a man with a fire ax. The fiance got a kick out of that. Though it's probably no match for when Jack bit a chunk off a guy's neck.

-Holy familiar faces, Batman! In the two hours alone I counted: Jennifer Westfeldt, Freddie Prinze Jr., the game show host from Slumdog Millionaire, and Starbuck from Battlestar Gallactica. (Yes, I had to ask the fiance about that last one.)

-I don't hate Kim Bauer anymore. I used to find her annoying, but she won me over when she convinced Jack he needed to stay and help Chloe.

-I forgot to mention another familiar face: Paul Wesley from The Vampire Diaries! He plays Kim's husband Stephen. Man, he's hot. I can totally see how they produced such an adorable offspring. On Vampire Diaries, he is Stefan. Stephen, Stefan. I love it.

What a great premiere. Yeah I totally skipped over all the plot stuff, but you already know all about that, because it's the same every season: Evil terrorist wants to blow up a city/kill the President/unleash nuclear weapons/all of the above. The only thing that changes each season is the terrorists' countries of origin.

Oh, and we're finally out of LA. New York...we've been Jacked!

Download This, Matey.

According to TorrentFreak, Heroes was the most pirated show of 2009.

Really?

I didn't realize anyone still watched this show. I used to watch it, but gave up after season 1 because I missed an episode and realized I didn't care. Even though one of the villains, played by that guy from the recent Star Trek movie, is totally hot.

#2 on the list is Lost. That's another one I gave up on. I'm thinking even people who watched it on TV decided to download it so they could watch it 5 million times to try to catch all the clues. That's the thing I'll never understand about people who try to solve a show's mysteries. When I was little, I wanted to be a detective like the kids on Ghostwriter. Now, I just want the show to tell me what I need to know. I'm always wrong, anyway. That dude in the FlashForward video probably isn't even Lloyd Simcoe.

#3 is Prison Break. For me, a poster of Wentworth Miller will suffice.

I'm a big fan of the download. Unlike a DVR, a) it's free b) you don't have to deal with commercials and c) you don't get periodic warnings that you're at 99% capacity and you better delete some stuff or else your machine will explode. Also, if you're watching a show from overseas, you can catch the episode right away.

Advertisers complain that downloading is the equivalent of stealing. How about you just put your products right in the show. Lots of shows already do it--Chuck, 30 Rock, 24. I don't mind if Jack Bauer gets in his Ford and marvels at its wonderful features for two seconds before putting the pedal to the metal to mow down the bad guys. Everybody wins. Unless you're a fan of Heroes, in which case, those downloads may be all you have after this season.

24 Has a Premiere Date. Get Excited!

Today I saw the trailer for my favorite shoot-out drama, 24. I watched it on mute because I was at work, but I don't think I missed anything. It's the same dang show every year, and I love it for just that reason.

For the uninitiated, here is a handy synopsis of every season of 24 to date:

-Jack Bauer is going through inner turmoil or coming off a terrible experience when the season begins.
-Terrorists strike.
-Jack tries to find them.
-Jack finds them. Commence torture.
-Feds try to stop him.
-Feds can't stop him.
-Kim Bauer shows up. Ugh.
-Someone important dies.
-Jack finally gets the Feds to listen.
-Someone in the Fed/CTU/government is a rat!
-Jack kills the rat.
-Lots of shooting. Good guys win.
-The sun rises with the dawn of a new day. All is well.
-...Or is it?! Dun dun dun.

This season's 24 takes place in my hometown of NYC. (Yes, we are so over LA!) It premieres Sunday, January 17. Jack and Chloe, how I've missed you so!