Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains: Blindsides, Blunders, and Banana Drama.

Survivor is seriously crazy this season.

Week after week, something big happens. Take last night, for example.

Parvati had TWO hidden immunity idols. One she got last week, and only told one person (Danielle) about. The other one Russell gave to her, because he has fallen under her spell. (He is such a dude.) So at tribal council, Parvati does something unheard of in 20 seasons of Survivor.

She whips out one idol...and gives it to Sandra. She whips out the other idol...and gives it to Jerri. The votes are read, and most of them are for Jerri. The only other votes are for JT. So long, JT!

I cannot remember a season as riveting as this one, and that's including the season they segregated--sorry, separated the teams by race.

Parvati might be the smartest player in the game. Smarter even than Russell. She deserves to win. Go Parvati!

One last thing: Bananas are the best fruit ever. They are tasty. They are easy to eat--no washing necessary, and no peeler necessary. You can eat them any time of the day. Nothing spritzes into your eye when you try to open one. So yeah, I am 100% with Rupert and Amanda and the rest of the Heroes when it comes to banana etiquette. If you want a banana, get it yourself, and while you're at it, get some for everyone else. Don't be a banana Nazi!

Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains: Can We Get Courtney A Cookie?

Last night's episode of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains was meh. This really shouldn't be the case, with an all-star cast that includes Boston Rob and Evil Russell.

But alas, Boston Rob fell ill last night, so instead of being interesting, he just lay on the ground whimpering about how "it's [the game] getting the best of me." WTH??? Then there's Evil Russell. I'd half-expected him to find a hidden immunity by now, or at least burn a pair of socks, but nope. All he does is lurk behind the trees staring daggers at Boston Rob for stealing the spotlight. I can't decide who's the bigger baby.

Then there's Courtney. Listen, can we get this girl a cookie or a sandwich or something? She's already a stick with platinum hair. But last night, we were treated to the lovely sight of her rib cages. I could actually count the bones underneath her skin. Maybe if they gave this girl a hamburger, she'd actually be nice to people. Then again, maybe not.

Somehow or other, by the end of the episode, James and Stephenie had become mortal enemies. James made this whole big stink about Stephenie being the only one from her original tribe to make it to the end. Uh, who cares, James? Stephenie, meanwhile, was just plain unlikeable. She always had an angry look on her face (not unlike Michelle Rodriguez on Lost), and she was always telling the camera how she was trying to keep her mouth shut to stay out of trouble. She's quite self-aware, that one. I don't know how she ended up on the Heroes team. Then again, I didn't watch whatever season she was on. Anywho. Stephenie got the boot in the end, and now the Heroes are down two members while the Villains (and their socks) are still intact.

So there you have it, a most disappointing episode of Survivor. I should've just watched the Olympics. Congrats to Evan Lysacek!

Survivor: Samoa: Who Saw That Coming?

I was so disappointed by last night's Survivor: Samoa outcome. And not just because Russell burned yet another perfectly good sock.

No, I'm disappointed because Natalie, of all people, took home the $1 million.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Natalie who?

That's right, the teeny blonde from Arkansas, whose name I didn't learn until last night, became the Sole Survivor. Don't ask me how that happened.

Actually, I was sort of rooting for her--at first. I just felt sorry for her being a tiny little thing amongst the three remaining men. Also, Natalie was not annoying--and by "not being annoying" I mean "entirely forgettable." So going into the jury Q&A, I was on Team Natalie. Especially with cocky Russell shooting his mouth off about how awesome he is and how he played everybody (true enough, but I didn't like hearing about it all night).

Then Russell gave his opening speech in front of the jury. He outlined everything he'd done this game, including manipulating every single person in the jury and finding hidden immunity idols without any clues. It was maybe a three-minute speech at most, but by the end of it, I was sold. "Russell," I thought, "it's yours. They'd be crazy not to give it to you."

Well, they were crazy.

After Eric's impassioned speech at the end, something about how Mick and Russell lied a lot while Natalie played an upstanding game and that that, he would give his vote to Natalie, it seemed a lot of the jury changed their mind. In the end, Russell got just two votes while Natalie got the rest of the votes (at least, the ones that were called).

Poor Russell! He played arguably the best game of Survivor ever, and he lost to a girl who didn't do anything the whole game except kill a rat, like, fifteen episodes ago. Russell deserved the win. America agreed--they voted him as player of the game.

I think Natalie will go down as the least-deserving Survivor winner in history. And I seriously, seriously doubt she will be asked to appear in the upcoming Survivor All Stars (aka Heroes vs. Villains). CBS, you'd better bring Evil Russell back for that one.

Survivor: Samoa: The Never-Ending Season.

I just counted.

There are still EIGHT contestants left on Survivor: Samoa.

This show's been on for 3 months.

Cheese Louise.

Also, I need to stop announcing who I'm rooting for. John the Rocket Scientist got voted off last night, in the 4th straight blindside of the season. There was so much strategizing last night, I have no idea how that happened. Guess they blindsided me too.

Last night's episode featured one of my favorite segments--the food/luxury auction. Every season, Jeff does the auction. Every season, about half the contestants just sit there and don't bid on anything. Before long, the auction ends and they come away with nothing. I don't get it. Why WOULDN'T you jump all over every item as soon as it comes up? That blonde who dropped $200 on a pb&j last night? Far as I'm concerned, she's the smartest one of the bunch. (Yeah, I still don't know her name.)

My other favorite feature of Survivor is the family reunions/letters/video messages from home. I cry every single time they do it. I'm tearing up right now remembering whatshisface proposing to whatsherface that one season. Sigh. I'm hoping it comes up soon.

Survivor's finale is set for Sunday, Dec. 20. Will Russell ever use his idol? Will Shambo ever stop talking to those chickens? Will I ever learn everybody's names? Stay tuned!

Survivor: Samoa: Just Declare Russell the Winner Already.

I wasn't before, but I'm cheering for you now, Russell.

When you found your first hidden immunity idol without help of a clue, I thought, pretty ingenious.

When you found the idol AGAIN with no help, I thought, wow.

When you found it a third time, AFTER half your tribe got to see video of the idol being hidden, and AFTER you were chased through the jungle because everyone knew you'd sniff it out, I thought, you know what? You deserve the million dollars.

I don't give a flying crap how you played the game dirty, burning someone's sock while they slept or letting a chicken loose in the middle of the night. I don't care that you lied about being in Hurricane Katrina (morally repugnant that may be). I don't even care that I want to have John the Rocket Scientist's babies. But you, you have done what no one else in the history of Survivor has done, and you have done it twice.

Hats off to you.

Survivor: Samoa: Who Are All These People?

Well, that was a disappointing Survivor.

I really liked Liz. I really liked Jaison. But Liz got voted out, and Jaison, arguably the fittest of the bunch, got "tired" right in the middle of a challenge and phoned the rest of it in. Lame!

I also like the rocket scientist. I forget his name. But now that my two favorites are gone (one physically, one mentally), he's all I have to hang on to.

Speaking of the rocket scientist, is anyone else finding a hard time keeping track of all the contestants? I could pick Shambo and Evil Russell out of a lineup. But the rest of the cast? They could be sitting right next to me, wearing their tribe buffs, plus name tags, and I still wouldn't know who they were.

I'm looking at a cast photo right now, and there remain (besides Shambo and Russell):

-Two blonde girls. I think one of them is named Courtney.
-Two handsome dark-haired guys, one of whom looks like Eli Manning (at least in the photo).
-A guy w/ a receding hairline who keeps his hair cropped short.
-A guy w/ shaggy long brown hair. Where did he come from?! I don't remember him AT ALL. Did he get voted out/injured and I didn't know it?
-Two dark haired girls. One of them is Laura (as I discovered only last night).
-Wait. I found a third handsome dark-haired guy.

Not that this season is boring or unmemorable. It seems Survivor can either be all about the contestants or all about the game. This season, it's all about the game. How lopsided it is with Galu stomping all over Foa Foa. How dangerous Samoa is that two men would get so ill, medical takes them out of the game before the season's even half over. How miserably cold and rainy it is for days on end. Yeah, let's not ever have another Survivor in Samoa.

Oh, wait. Next season (the 20th) is reportedly taking place in Samoa too, with an all-star cast. Well, never mind, then.