Big Love: Incest, Schmincest.

"How can there be incest when there's no intercourse?"

How, indeed. This is the question raised by JJ in the season finale of Big Love. Allow me to explain.

One of the show's many plotpoints this season was this: Nicki is having trouble getting pregnant, so she's been seeing this Mormon doctor for special treatments. The doctor finally tells Nicki her eggs are no good, she's infertile. Nicki gets depressed. Then Nicki's ex JJ finds out, and starts scheming. By the way, there's a subplot about how there's been a spike in deformed babies coming out of Juniper Creek and people are accusing the Mormons of inbreeding.

Anywho. JJ somehow gets Nicki's doctor to try to implant an embryo in Nicki. What kind of embryo, you ask? One that comes from the union of his sperm and Cara Lynn's egg. Who's Cara Lynn, you ask? His and Nicki's DAUGHTER.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Thankfully, Nicki's mom storms into the doctor's office just in time to stop him from implanting the embryo in a drugged-up, semi-concious Nicki. What is Nicki's mom's involvement, you ask? Well, she happens to be pregnant. With a JJ/Wanda embryo. But who's Wanda? JJ's SISTER.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Turns out JJ has been running a no-sex incest clinic, which explains all the deformed babies. Why is JJ running a no-sex incest clinic? I don't know, and I didn't feel inclined to rewatch the episode to find out. Anyway, the WHY here is not so important as the WHAT. And that WHAT is something I'd like to forget about as soon as I finish writing this post.

Oh, and the other thing that happened in the finale was Bill finally came out as a polygamist. He had just won a seat in the state senate, and during his speech, decided to introduce himself and his three wives. I love that after he introduced his second wife, some random lady in the crowd yelled out, "How many ya got???"

All in all, it was a bizarre, sickening, yet satisfying way to end the season. What will happen to the Henricksons now that they're public? Will Bill keep his seat? Will Nicki get pregnant? Will Adaleen (Nicki's mom) give birth to her daughter/granddaughter? We'll find out next season!

Big Love: Mexican Standoff.

So.

Big Love.

Hollis Green's Arm.

Did Not See That Coming.

Here's the breakdown:

-Bill and his brother and crazy parents and son Ben and one of the Mormon wives (Jolene?) are in Mexico facing off Hollis Green and Crazy Selma and the other Angry Mormons.

-Angry Mormons are pissed because Bill's mom Lois tried to cut in on their illegal bird deal. Angry Mormons want to kill Bill's family as punishment.

-Bill steps forward. "Take me," he says, hoping that Angry Mormons will spare his family.

-Hollis Green steps forward menacingly.

-Cue shot of the machete.

-Cue shot of Lois's blood-spattered face. "How dare you lay a hand on my boy!" she spits.

-Cue shot of Hollis WITH BLOOD SPURTING FROM HIS SHOULDER.

-Cue shot of HOLLIS'S ENTIRE BLOODY ARM ON THE GROUND.

Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!

By the way, the whole time I've been writing this, I've had Robbie Williams's song, "Me and My Monkey," playing in my head. Seriously, check it out on YouTube--someone even made a Claymation music video for it. It's the perfect companion to this crazy episode.

Big Love: Jerry Springer Style.

Big Love is getting CA-RAZY!

First you have Margene and Ben. Margene is one of Bill's three wives (the other two are Barb and Nicki). Ben is Barb's son--he's around 20. Margene is the youngest wife, she's in her mid-twenties. So their age difference isn't so bad. Except...Margene is pretty much like a mom/aunt to Ben. And they shared a passionate kiss. Ahhhh.

Then you have JJ, Nicki's ex-husband. Nicki and JJ have a very bitter relationship, because they can't agree on how to raise their daughter (Nicki wants her to get an education, and JJ wants her to be super-Mormon). Anyway, JJ goes to Alby (Nicki's brother, who's now the prophet) and makes him "prophesize" that JJ is supposed to marry Nicki's mother. Yes, that's right, Nicki's ex-husband is now her father. Ahhh!

By these standards, creepy Alby and his gay married lover are the most functional couple on the show. Hey Bill O'Reilly, you watching this show?

Big Love: Are The Opening Credits Better Than The Show? Debatable.

Last night, I watched the second episode of this season's Big Love. This puts me almost a quarter of the way through the season (here's why), and I still don't know what's going on. Too many storylines, too many new characters, and not enough of Bill's crazy mom.

But what I do know is that I LOVE the new opening credits.

Check it out on YouTube sometime. It's been compared to Mad Men's opener, with the lead character falling through space. But unlike Mad Men's opener, Big Love's isn't animated. Set to the song "Home" by Engineers, it features Bill and his three wives falling through black space, sometimes in slow motion, and sometimes suspended in mid-air.

It is haunting. Captivating. And absolutely gorgeous. I've seen it twice, and both times, I couldn’t tear my eyes off it.

The old theme, which featured Bill and his wives ice-skating and the ice cracking between them, was set to The Beach Boys' "God Only Knows." It, too, was terrific.

Seeing the new opener got me thinking about theme songs and opening credits in general. Chuck's is really fun, and I watch it all the way through each time. Mad Men's music draws you in, and the art/graphics are neat. I also love Dexter's, even though I can't watch the part where he gets bitten by a mosquito, and the part where he nicks himself shaving.

I can never watch people shave on TV. Too traumatic.

On the other end of the theme song spectrum, you have songs that go on foreverrrrr. You could probably take a shower and blow-dry your hair in the time it takes for the Family Guy theme to play through. Then there's Survivor, with all that tribal chanting...gahhh.

The latest theme song abomination I've discovered is Damages. Great show, but horrible theme. It's some guy mumbling, "When I am through with you...there won't be anything left..when I am through with you." He also mumbles some other things but they are incomprehensible. The singing is combined with bleak shots of NYC sculptures and architecture I've never seen, and I've lived here all my life. Yeah. Come visit New York!

I recently read an article saying that these days, traditional opening credits are getting supershort, even disappearing altogether. I hope not (unless your name is Survivor). Openers can be done well, and Big Love has proven it--twice.

2010 Golden Globes: Winners, Losers, and Michael C. Hall's Hat.

Last night was the Golden Globes awards. I normally don't watch this show, but 24 wasn't starting for another hour.

Here, in no particular order, are the big TV winners of the night:

Best drama: Mad Men. Love this show, and happy that it won. While it beat out Dexter, I can't hate on Mad Men, since it didn't win any other awards. By the way, Jon Hamm, what was up with the beard?

Best comedy/musical: Glee. YES! I am so happy for the cast. I may/may not stalk all of them on Twitter, so I may/may not know how truly excited they were to be at the show, never mind if they won or lost. What a great group of kids.

Best actress, drama: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife. Dang it, still can't spell her name right on the first try. I've never seen an episode of The Good Wife, or ER, for that matter. But she seems like a nice lady.

Best actor, drama: Michael C. Hall, Dexter. I totally cried when he went up on stage. Dude has been getting treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. "It's nice to have a justifiable excuse for accessorizing," he said, in reference to the hat he was wearing to cover up his loss of hair.

Best actor, comedy/musical: Alex Baldwin, 30 Rock. Never watched this show. By the way, why are musicals and comedies lumped together? Are there that many musicals on television that it needs its own name in a category? And while we're at it, Matthew Morrison (Will Schuester on Glee), was also nominated for this category, and he was great at the musical stuff AND the comedy. On this alone, he should've won. I'm just saying.

Best actress, comedy/musical: Toni Collette, United States of Tara. Never seen this show either. And yes, I believe Lea Michele should've won, for the aforementioned reason.

Best mini-series made for...zzzzz I'm sorry what were we talking about?

...Skipping over the best actor/actress for mini-series/motion picture made for TV, since none of us have actually seen any of those performances...

Best supporting actor: John Lithgow, Dexter. AWESOME. The man was stupendously frightening this season. Out of habit, I shrank away from the TV as he gave his speech.

Best supporting actress: Chloe Sevigny, Big Love. I'm torn on this one. She's great on Big Love (funny, emotional, relatable), but I just don't know. I mean, she plays one of three wives, all of whom are terrifically portrayed. So it's hard for me to see why she should be nominated (let alone be given the award) over the others. Also, I have soft spots for the scene-stealing Jane Lynch (Glee) and underrated Rose Byrne (Damages).

That's it for this year's Golden Globes!

Big Love: Big Skimpin'.

The upcoming 4th season of Big Love, which premieres January 10 on HBO, will only have nine episodes.

Nine episodes!

That's one fewer episode than season 3, and THREE fewer than season 2. At this point, I'm expecting Big Love's final season to just be one long two-hour episode. The first fifteen minutes will be the premiere, the next hour and a half will be the midseason lull, and the final fifteen minutes will blow us all away with how great it is. Then the episode will go on a nine-month hiatus before returning to run the credits.

I wouldn't be complaining this much if I didn't love this show. Bill. Margene. Barb. Nicki. Bill's crazy mother. Roman Grant. Rhonda. I actually can't remember if Roman and Rhonda are still alive. It's been ages--I mean, the last episode of Big Love I saw was back in March. All I remember from last season is Sarah got pregnant by that hipster-looking dude and confessed her big secret to her brother and they ended that episode so perfectly with Sarah and her brother sitting on a hill overlooking a lake and Alphaville's "Forever Young" leading us to the credits. It was such a lovely way to end the episode. That's what Big Love and Mad Men do well--they pick great songs to lead to the credits.

Where was I going with this post? Oh, yes. Big Love's seasons are WAY TOO SHORT. I don't know if it's a budget issue, being on pay cable, or if Big Love really does need only nine or ten episodes to tell the whole story arc. I mean, even a show like Dexter, which has only a handful of main characters, pushes itself to do a dozen episodes. Big Love is about four main relationships--the one Bill has with each of his three wives, and the one the wives have with each other. Then you have all the stuff with Roman Grant and Juniper Creek and the casino and oh yeah, keeping the neighbors from finding out that they are secretly polygamous.

I think you could tell make a bazillion episodes about one month in their lives alone. But that's just me.

If only my beloved shows could find a happy medium between too few episodes and too many (I'm looking at you, Survivor: Samoa!).