Melrose Place: Noah, I Am Your Father. And Your Brother.

This weekend, I caught up on two shows. One of them was Life Unexpected. Sidenote: After my post on Life Unexpected, the show's casting director Tweeted the post, and I got 59 hits in one day! I know, that's small potatoes compared to what other blogs get. But 59 is a record for Linda's TV, and I'll take it. Thank you, Jeff Meshel!

Anywho. After watching the Life Unexpected finale, I moved on to another show that also just had its season finale: Melrose Place. Unlike Life, Melrose is pretty much dead in the water. Nobody talks about it, nobody blogs about it ('cept me), and nobody watches it. Melrose had its finale on April 13, and only 1 million people saw it. Ouch.

Still, I love this show. I love the characters, I love the fashion, (Riley wears a LOT of purple--one episode, she went from a purple party dress to a purple T-shirt to a purple jogging outfit--consecutively!), and I love the snappy, overdramatic dialogue. Like Riley calling Ella "the vulture in Versace." How can you not love that??

And then there's this plotline. Let's backtrack: David (the Brad Pitt lookalike) has a little half-bro named Noah, who's the son of his dad and his stepmom, played by Brooke Burns. David and Noah have a really close bond, and David's very protective of Noah, at one point kidnapping him so he could take him to the carnival (the stepmom hates David and wouldn't let him see Noah).

Then we find out why David and Noah have such a close bond: DAVID IS NOAH'S FATHER!

I almost fell over on my couch, not unlike the way David almost fell over on the stairwell after reading his stepmom's letter.

Apparently, David and his stepmom once slept together, and Noah was the result. So let me get this straight. David is Noah's father and his half-brother. Vanessa (the stepmom) is David's stepmom and his baby mama and Noah's mom and Noah's stepgrandmother. David's dad, Michael, is Noah's grandpa and stepfather. Did your head explode?

Man, I love this stuff.

(Pictured: David, being lurk-y.)

Freshman Fall Series: How Are They Doing?

Now that many shows are starting their winter hiatus, I thought it'd be a good time to evaluate the new shows. Let's break it down by network:

ABC:

Modern Family. This is one I predicted would do well, and it's since been picked up for a full season. I've enjoyed every episode. The show is sweet without being saccharine. It would warm the heart of Ebenezer Scrooge.

Cougar Town. I predicted this show to bomb. In fact, it's doing quite well. This will be one of those shows lots of people watch that I'll never understand why. Like Bones.

Hank. It got canceled. Sorry, Kelsey Grammer. Maybe you could guest-star on Greek with your daughter Spencer. You can't play her dad, since that role's already taken, but maybe you could be a wacky professor or something.

The Middle. It's doing decent. Was picked up for a full season. Congrats, Patricia Heaton.

Eastwick. I predicted this show to bomb. It has been canceled, but ABC is committed to airing all the episodes that have been shot. Guess this beats airing reruns of According to Jim. Though not by much.

FlashForward. I wasn't sure about this one at first. I only gave it a shot because of John Cho. I'm very glad I did--it's one of my favorite new shows. The fiancé and I treat each episode like a movie event, complete with popcorn and dimmed lights. Don't judge.

V. I didn't think I would like this. I was right. The fiancé has gotten me to sit through all four episodes. With each one, my soul dies a little more.

The Forgotten. Who watches this show? Anybody? Bueller?

CBS:

Accidentally on Purpose. I predicted it to bomb. It's holding its own. I guess audiences like their cougars. Congrats, Jon Foster--you're finally on a non-cancelled show!

NCIS: LA. It's doing spectacular. No surprise, with the legions of NCIS fans out there. Congrats, LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell.

Three Rivers: I predicted it to bomb. It has been canceled. CBS may or may not air the remaining episodes. I'm sad for Daniel Henney. Hey, maybe Grey's Anatomy will pick him up. He's definitely worthy of a McNickname.

The Good Wife: It got rave reviews, and it's doing great for CBS. Congrats to Julianna Margulies. I still can't spell your name without the help of Google, but you seem to be doing a nice job on the show.

NBC:

Trauma/Mercy: I put these together because they are basically the same show. One of them is about nurses, and the other is about EMTs. I think. And one of them is canceled and one of them is barely hanging on. I don't care enough to look into this further.

Community: I like Joel McHale from The Soup. I watched about fifteen minutes of this before I couldn't take it any longer. Sorry, Joel. I think NBC could go either way with this show, and since they don't have much else in the way of comedy, look for it to stick around.

Fox:

Brothers. It's right up there with Viva Laughlin as the most laughably horrendous show in history. At least that's what I hear. I haven't seen a second of it. Kudos to the show for introducing a wheelchair-bound character though.

Glee. Speaking of wheelchairs, this is another of my favorite new shows of the season. You can't watch Glee without a smile on your face. It is scientifically impossible. Also: Every Wednesday night, my Facebook is inundated with status updates about people watching this show. And yet, it does just aiiight in the ratings. What gives? I think Sue Sylvester needs to give Nielsen a call.

The Cleveland Show. This is a spinoff of Family Guy, a show my fiancé got me into. Neither he nor I have seen a second of The Cleveland Show. Yay for diversity. Yay for bear neighbors. That's all I got for this show.

The CW:

Melrose Place. Love it, love it. Love that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is leaving the show. Sad about Colin Egglesfield's departure. Love Ella Sims. She might be the coolest and baddest new girl on TV. Does anyone else think it's weird that neither Thomas Calabro, Heather Locklear, Josie Bissett nor Laura Leighton appear to have aged a day from the original Melrose?

The Beautiful Life: TBL. I had this show paired with Melrose as a hit this season, and boy was I wrong. In my defense, I had not seen any of this show before giving my prediction. Still. Lesson learned. If Mischa Barton's in it, it will probably fail.

The Vampire Diaries. I call it a rainy day show because it's not something you have to watch immediately, but it's more than sufficient for a rainy day with nothing to do. Also, Stefan, played by the handsome Paul Wesley: He's all the reason you need to watch this show.

That's a wrap!

Melrose Place: As Close To Perfection As A Pilot Gets

I finally watched the Melrose Place premiere.

OMG. I love it.

The 45 minutes flew right by. Before we knew it, the blonde was having a lesbian makeout session, the part-Asian girl decided to pimp herself out for college money, and the boring Augie guy (they need to change that name, ASAP) was setting fire to a blood-stained shirt in a dark alley. Holy crap. And this show's just getting STARTED.

I have to admit, I wasn't sure about this show. I really thought I'd hate it, despite it being in my top 3 new shows to watch this season. Too often, a show with this much hype just ends up disappointing. I'm looking at you, Kid Nation.

Other shows could really learn a thing or two from the MP pilot:

1. Have a GREAT soundtrack, with current, catchy songs that are completely apropos to the scenes they are used in. The closing song, The Killers' The World We Live In, was perfecto for the above-mentioned montage.

2. Provide something juicy about every character. Even that boring Augie guy surprised me at the end!

3. Feature young actors who are PLAYING THEIR AGE. This has rarely been done in Hollywood. I've only seen it in One Tree Hill, after they fast-forwarded the characters' lives by four years. Dawson's Creek failed at this. So does my new favorite show, Glee (Lea Michele is 22 and playing a high-schooler).

The only thing I would say to the MP editors is to drop those quick-cut edits. There were a lot of those at the beginning--they would show one character talking, then flash for half a second to the other character and then quick back to the first character! Nauseating.

Also, stop piling so much makeup on these people. Do med students really wear this much mascara at the hospital?

Other than that, this was a terrific first episode. The blonde is good enough that there's no need to bring back Heather Locklear. And I was happily surprised at the random, familiar-looking faces throughout the show. Rosa Blasi was from ABC Family's Make It Or Break It. Michael Rady was in Greek for a while. The Hispanic detective had bit roles in a bunch of shows--The OC, Law & Order: SVU, CSI: Miami. Even Michael Mancini was in the last episode of Greek (see previous entry). And last but not least, Adam Kaufman, who played the creepy yet hot Toby guy, was the star of that CBS Hallmark Hall of Fame movie that I am somewhat ashamed to say I watched, Loving Leah. I want more Toby! And yet, I don't.

Even more surprising, I don't dislike Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, or her character. I thought she'd be annoying a la 7th Heaven, but Ashlee was actually subtle and really good. Dollars to donuts she's Sydney's daughter, who was abandoned by Sydney at birth, found out who her birth mother was through the internet, and came to kill her so she could inherit the apartment complex.

O the secrets! O the drama! Watch this show. Now.