Melrose Place: Noah, I Am Your Father. And Your Brother.

This weekend, I caught up on two shows. One of them was Life Unexpected. Sidenote: After my post on Life Unexpected, the show's casting director Tweeted the post, and I got 59 hits in one day! I know, that's small potatoes compared to what other blogs get. But 59 is a record for Linda's TV, and I'll take it. Thank you, Jeff Meshel!

Anywho. After watching the Life Unexpected finale, I moved on to another show that also just had its season finale: Melrose Place. Unlike Life, Melrose is pretty much dead in the water. Nobody talks about it, nobody blogs about it ('cept me), and nobody watches it. Melrose had its finale on April 13, and only 1 million people saw it. Ouch.

Still, I love this show. I love the characters, I love the fashion, (Riley wears a LOT of purple--one episode, she went from a purple party dress to a purple T-shirt to a purple jogging outfit--consecutively!), and I love the snappy, overdramatic dialogue. Like Riley calling Ella "the vulture in Versace." How can you not love that??

And then there's this plotline. Let's backtrack: David (the Brad Pitt lookalike) has a little half-bro named Noah, who's the son of his dad and his stepmom, played by Brooke Burns. David and Noah have a really close bond, and David's very protective of Noah, at one point kidnapping him so he could take him to the carnival (the stepmom hates David and wouldn't let him see Noah).

Then we find out why David and Noah have such a close bond: DAVID IS NOAH'S FATHER!

I almost fell over on my couch, not unlike the way David almost fell over on the stairwell after reading his stepmom's letter.

Apparently, David and his stepmom once slept together, and Noah was the result. So let me get this straight. David is Noah's father and his half-brother. Vanessa (the stepmom) is David's stepmom and his baby mama and Noah's mom and Noah's stepgrandmother. David's dad, Michael, is Noah's grandpa and stepfather. Did your head explode?

Man, I love this stuff.

(Pictured: David, being lurk-y.)

Life Unexpected: Series Unrenewed (For Now).

I just watched three episodes in a row of Life Unexpected (I'm up to the season finale), and let me just say: LOVE. Some blogger likened it to Everwood, and he/she is right. I laughed. I cried. I felt my heart get bigger.

I still can't spell his name without Googling it, but Kristoffer Polaha is terrific. And so is Shiri Appleby. And so is that little Britt Robertson. They have all grown into their roles, and now I'm totally addicted to this show. I no longer see Shiri Appleby and think Roswell. I no longer see Kristoffer Polaha and think of that failed ABC comedy starring Judy Greer as a high school guidance counselor. Oh wait, yes I do. But not really. I mainly see him as a man-child/awesome dad now.

Life Unexpected had its season finale earlier this week. It has not yet been renewed by the CW. Everyone seems to think it's a sure bet that this show will come back, and I'm inclined to agree. Still, CW, what are you waiting for? Put us out of our misery and just make it official already.

Just one small thing. Can you nix the theme song? I kind of hate it.

Hello, Hello, Glee!

I had a meta experience last night while watching Glee.

It was during the last musical number (not "Vogue"--more on that stupendously awesome video later), "Hello Goodbye." Rachel and Finn were dancing around onstage. Artie was spinning around in his wheelchair.

I started to get a tear in my eye. A tear of sheer joy.

This is what television should be about. Joy. Not hoping someone gets eliminated or hoping a bad guy gets killed. Pure, simple joy. It is a rare show on television that gives its fans this feeling every week, and off the top of my head, I can think of just two other shows that does this as well as Glee: Chuck and Ugly Betty.

I don't even know where to start. Last night's Glee wasn't a gamechanger. Nothing major happened. It was just the simple return of a beloved show that left us for four months, making the winter feel colder and longer than it has ever been. Glee, your absence made my heart grow fonder.

Last night, we were introduced to a few new cast members: Idina Menzel and Jonathan Groff, who are both Broadway vets and already have ties to Glee. Idina costarred with Kristin Chenoweth in Wicked, and Jonathan is Lea Michele's BFF and former Spring Awakening costar. I didn't care much for their characters--Idina made out with Will, who is supposed to be dating Emma, and Jonathan looked like an '80s rock star. He looked about 30 years old. And speaking of looks, Idina is basically Rachel Berry in about 30 years. Holy future self, Batman!

Glee didn't change too much during its absence: Sue was still evil and funny, Terri was still just evil, Finn was still cluelessly cute, and Rachel was still...well, Rachel. Actually, Will changed a little--he is now a player, or at least, he fancies himself one. Whatever. I am still rooting for him and Emma to work things out. Also, Brittany the blonde cheerleader is hilarious. "Sometimes I forget my middle name."

Another choice line from the show: Rachel's "Who's there? I carry a rape whistle."

My favorite number of the evening was "Gives You Hell." I am listening to it right now as I type this (thank you, GummyBearGleeks for uploading it onto YouTube). Lea Michele's voice is pure magic. She can sing anything and make it ten times better than the original. Sorry, All-American Rejects. I like your version, but Lea killed it.

Oh and how foxy is Harry Shum, Jr. (aka Mike Chang)? CHEESUS. I don't know what I would do if he and John Cho ever appeared on a show together.

Fox did something very smart with the scheduling of Glee right out of American Idol. I don't know what ABC was smoking, putting V right after Dancing with the Stars. Or putting Shaq Vs...., well, putting that show anywhere on the schedule. But Fox, oh, Fox. You're a genius. Also, you're REALLY showing appreciation for your viewers. Glee right out of Idol. In fact, Glee DURING Idol. Did anyone else see Simon, Randy, Kara, or Ellen last night? Me neither. I was busy checking out Will and Sue and Finn and Tina C. and Artie sitting behind them.

Here's what was arguably the best part of the evening: The "Vogue" video. The original Madonna song was a little before my time, and I've only ever seen snippets of the video here and there. Didn't matter at all. Sue Sylvester was a genius, and so were Kurt and Mercedes and everyone else in the video. And so was the person who shot the video. And so was the person who changed the lyrics to "Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire. Sue Sylvester, dance on air" and "Lauren, Katherine, Lana too. Will Schuester, I hate you."

Isn't life better now that Glee's back?

(Pictured: Sue Sylvester vogueing. I spent about 20 minutes making that using screenshots from the video. The tilting is completely by accident. But it still came out pretty great, huh?)

Jersey Shore + Make It Or Break It = Last Night's CSI: Miami.

I am one of those people who forever remembers actors from one show, and when they move on to other shows, I still call them by their old characters' names. For example, Dexter's dad is now on FlashForward. Michael (from Sunset Beach) is now on Grey's Anatomy. Lorelai Gilmore is on Parenthood.

And last night, Emily Kmetko and Lauren Tanner from Make It Or Break It were both on CSI: Miami. Whoa! MIOBI is one of my favorite shows--it airs on ABC Family, and it follows a group of young gymnasts as they try to make it to the Olympics. Emily is the awkward girl who's new to the group. Lauren is the rich mean girl whose dad is dating Emily's mom. On CSI: Miami, Emily was the fat girl who got skinny and got revenge on three people who tortured her back in college. Lauren was one of the girls involved in an almost-three-way with one of the jerks who tortured Emily. It's a long story. In the end, Emily ended up sitting in a jail cell. It was very sad. Wait, no it's not. She still has a chance to go for Olympic gold!

I love, love, seeing actors pop up unexpectedly on other shows. This sounds crazy, but I see them as their old characters. A couple of episodes of FlashForward ago, MIOBI's gymnastics coach showed up and began threatening Lloyd Simcoe and that Simon guy. Coach Belov, what are you doing?? You're supposed to be training the girls to beat the Chinese!

The other great thing about last night's CSI: Miami was that it was JERSEY SHORE THEMED. Holy awesomeness! The jerky guy who got killed by Emily Kmetko liked to pull his shirt up and refer to himself as "The Program." And all the kids attended Jersey University.

CSI: Miami, I love you.

(Pictured: Emily Kmetko and Lauren Tanner on Make It Or Break It. One "Program" short of a threesome.)

Hey, V! Lighten Up!

This weekend, the fiancé and I watched the two new episodes of V that aired recently. V, like FlashForward, had the misfortune of getting its season sliced in half and going on forced hiatus for four months.

Seriously, what gives, ABC? Can you stop doing this? Why do you hate your viewers so? And don't even get me started on Ugly Betty.

Where was I? Oh, yes, V. Now don't get me wrong--I don't like this show. I didn't like Juliet on Lost, and I don't like her here, either. (She plays basically the same character in both.) But watching these two episodes made me think of another reason V falls far short of the quality of say, Lost.

V takes itself WAY too seriously.

For example, in one episode, Anna the head alien decides to mate with one of the nameless males on her ship. After she does her thing (it takes about four and a half seconds total), she goes, "It's done. My eggs are now in need of nourishment," and whips her head around and eats her mate alive. This would've been a funny, campy scene, except...it wasn't. It was done in a way that you felt obligated to think, "Wow, that's some hardcore alien-lizard- mating! This Anna means business! Don't mess with her!"

I can't get into a drama that tells me I should feel serious about something. If I can't laugh at it, I don't want to watch. I often laugh at 24 and CSI: Miami, because they practically invite you to have a good chuckle. Look, Jack Bauer just killed six men after being shot in the stomach! Look, Horatio just paused in the middle of his sentence! For no reason!

V, on the other hand, is just one thing after another. Oh no, the black dude's wife is pregnant with a lizard baby. Yikes, they're torturing another 5th Column traitor. Oh, and those aliens just killed themselves. This is an remake of a corny old '80s alien show, for crying out loud. Make me laugh! Or at the very least, make me crack a smile and go, "That is ridiculous...ridiculously awesome."

There is nothing ridiculously awesome about V.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I shouldn't compare it to Lost (even though ABC wants it to be the next Lost). Maybe I shouldn't compare it to other ridiculous dramas (even though V is a drama with lots of ridiculousness potential). Maybe I should just shaddup and watch the dang show.

But, as I like to say, life's too short to watch bad TV. Life's also too short to watch TV you can't poke fun at...especially if the show can't even poke fun at itself.

What's On This Summer, ABC?

ABC announced its summer schedule a few days ago. What should you watch? I mean, besides Big Brother? Here are my three picks:

1) Dating in the Dark. I essentially wrote a love letter to this show back in February. Too bad I have to wait until August 9 for new episodes.

2) Anything Primetime. There are several series, including Family Secrets, Crime, The Outsiders, and What Would You Do?. WWYD is the best one--it sets up psychological experiments with innocent bystanders. One episode, they had a white couple fighting on a park bench, and the guy was getting physical, and people stepped in to help the girl. Then they had a black couple fighting, and people just looked on warily. Good stuff. Unfortunately, ABC hasn't booked WWYD for this summer (yet). But they did schedule this new one, Mind Games. It's all about the "darkest corners of the human mind and how it can be twisted." One of the episodes will focus on children who kill. Color me intrigued. Mind Games premieres July 20.

3) Wipeout. People face-planting on giant red balls. 'Nuff said. Wipeout premieres June 1.

ABC also scheduled 3 new dramas/dramedies: Rookie Blue, about a bunch of rookie cops, The Gates, about a family moving to a mysterious town, and Scoundrels, about a crime family attempting to go straight when the dad goes to jail. Five letters: ZZZZZ.

And there's a new game show, Downfall, played on top of a skyscraper, with contestants' winnings get thrown over the side of a building if they miss a question. Interesting premise, but I can see the novelty wearing off after oh, one episode. Sort of like Deal Or No Deal.

The best thing about summer is that, unlike December/early January, the networks don't all phone it in. Sure, 90% of the new offerings are crap. But at least they're trying.

FlashForward: Why Isn't Anyone Watching? Let Me Count The Ways.

FlashForward returned with new episodes a couple of weeks ago, and I've watched two of them. So far, it's a mixed bag.

The good, the bad, and the ugly of the new episodes of FlashForward:

The good:
-Every scene with John Cho. I'm sweating just typing his name. Geez. Whether he's arguing with his fiancée, or having a heartwarming chat with Janis, or running after a bad guy, I can't take my eyes off him.
-I love that Janis is fighting to have her future baby girl. I think she'd be a good mom. By the way, what happened to her girlfriend? Did they break up or something? I can barely remember what I had for dinner last night, let alone what happened in an episode that aired last December. Remember that, ABC, and all other networks, the next time you make your shows go on a four-month hiatus in the middle of a season.

The bad/ugly:
-Joseph Fiennes and Lloyd Simcoe (I don't know the actor's name, nor do I care). Their scenes bore me to tears. Approximately 75% of the 2nd episode consisted of Joseph and Lloyd rehashing their flash forwards: who called whom, who texted whom, who slept with whose wife when such calling/texting occurred, and what it all means, blah blah. MAN.
-You know how each episode of Lost focuses on one character, but they also show the broader plotlines going on with the other characters? FlashForward is doing that in reverse. Instead of focusing on one character, they focus on ALL BUT ONE character. In the first episode, there is no mention or appearance of AA dude and his soldier daughter. None whatsoever. Then, in episode 2, AA dude and his daughter are all over the place. But Olivia is gone. This is so bizarre and distracting, it takes away from my enjoyment of the show. Or maybe I'm just really, really neurotic.
-Can someone explain to me what happened to the Japanese girl? They spent a whole episode on the orderly dude going to Japan and knocking on doors and going to restaurants to try to find the girl from his flash forward. Now all of a sudden he's BFFs with the nanny? Visiting her and her crazy mom and gluing pennies on the wall? What?

FlashForward is currently on "bubble" status, which means it's on the verge of cancellation. Oh, FlashForward, you were so promising back in September. And now look where you are. I'm truly disappointed.

(Pictured: Janis and Demetri, my two favorite characters. Even covered in wounds, John Cho is dang hot.)