Network Upfronts 2010: Pickups, Cancelations And Renewals, Oh My!

With the network upfronts next week, TV news is coming faster than I can post it, so I'll just run through a quick few things that stick out in my mind:

-Chuck has been renewed for a 4th season. Hooray! Subway sandwiches for all!

-V has also been renewed for a 2nd season. I can't believe I'm saying this, but...hooray again! The show has actually been getting good. Almost good enough for me to watch a whole episode while not reading Entertainment Weekly/working on my 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

-FlashForward has been canceled. Thanks for nothing, Joseph Fiennes! I said it once, and I'll say it again: John Cho should've been the lead. Then the show might've had a shred of a chance. Sorry, Penny Widmore.

-NBC's Rockford Files remake is DOA. Thank you, there must be a television god who doesn't like remakes either. Now, about that Hawaii Five-O...

-CBS ordered its first new show for fall: Mike & Molly. It's a sitcom about a chubby married couple. Sookie from Gilmore Girls is playing Molly. Hey, can we get Michel a show? He was pretty awesome.

-The Wanda Sykes Show has been canceled, giving network execs another excuse to say a late-night show starring a person of color will not work. Dang it! Wanda, you're one of the funniest ladies around. Fox's loss.

-The original Law & Order has been canceled. No wait, it hasn't. Wait, it definitely has. Actually, there might be a chance that it won't be. Eh, does anybody under the age of 87 really care?

***UPDATE***

Law & Order is officially done. But not to fear--NBC just ordered Law & Order: Los Angeles. I'm still waiting for Law & Order: Newark.

More to come as I hear about it...

Hey, V! Lighten Up!

This weekend, the fiancé and I watched the two new episodes of V that aired recently. V, like FlashForward, had the misfortune of getting its season sliced in half and going on forced hiatus for four months.

Seriously, what gives, ABC? Can you stop doing this? Why do you hate your viewers so? And don't even get me started on Ugly Betty.

Where was I? Oh, yes, V. Now don't get me wrong--I don't like this show. I didn't like Juliet on Lost, and I don't like her here, either. (She plays basically the same character in both.) But watching these two episodes made me think of another reason V falls far short of the quality of say, Lost.

V takes itself WAY too seriously.

For example, in one episode, Anna the head alien decides to mate with one of the nameless males on her ship. After she does her thing (it takes about four and a half seconds total), she goes, "It's done. My eggs are now in need of nourishment," and whips her head around and eats her mate alive. This would've been a funny, campy scene, except...it wasn't. It was done in a way that you felt obligated to think, "Wow, that's some hardcore alien-lizard- mating! This Anna means business! Don't mess with her!"

I can't get into a drama that tells me I should feel serious about something. If I can't laugh at it, I don't want to watch. I often laugh at 24 and CSI: Miami, because they practically invite you to have a good chuckle. Look, Jack Bauer just killed six men after being shot in the stomach! Look, Horatio just paused in the middle of his sentence! For no reason!

V, on the other hand, is just one thing after another. Oh no, the black dude's wife is pregnant with a lizard baby. Yikes, they're torturing another 5th Column traitor. Oh, and those aliens just killed themselves. This is an remake of a corny old '80s alien show, for crying out loud. Make me laugh! Or at the very least, make me crack a smile and go, "That is ridiculous...ridiculously awesome."

There is nothing ridiculously awesome about V.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I shouldn't compare it to Lost (even though ABC wants it to be the next Lost). Maybe I shouldn't compare it to other ridiculous dramas (even though V is a drama with lots of ridiculousness potential). Maybe I should just shaddup and watch the dang show.

But, as I like to say, life's too short to watch bad TV. Life's also too short to watch TV you can't poke fun at...especially if the show can't even poke fun at itself.

V: FAIL.

So last night, I finally got around to watching the premiere of V. During the episode, I:

1) Decried the lack of racial diversity 1,000 times. My poor fiance had to hear all of it. Though in the end, he did agree with me. Token black couple aside, this show is very white. And it takes place in New York City. Okay.

2) Washed the dishes. This includes a pie pan, a water glass and two mugs and two spoons.

3) Flossed and brushed my teeth.

4) Played fetch with the cat.

5) Came back to the TV and repeated step 1).

I know V is a remake, but cheese Louise, that's no excuse to totally suck.

My questions for the producers of V:

1) Why does it move so dang fast? What's the hurry? One minute, the aliens land, and the next, they're taking humans onboard the spaceship for a tour. I mean, the Obama administration has been in office for almost a year and we still don't have universal healthcare, yet the aliens land on Earth and gain a zillion followers in two minutes? Slow down, V. Don't you want to save some stuff for season 2? Or episode 2, for that matter?

2) Why is the alien Caucasian? ABC could've made the alien blue, orange, purple, green. They could've given her sixteen eyes and pointy ears and wings. Instead, they made her look like McKey, the winner of America's Next Top Model, Cycle 11.

3) If you were an alien race with significant knowledge of Earth and its people, why would you spend so much time hanging around America? Why wouldn't you first take over China and India, the two most populous countries? Or perhaps a country with a proven record of people blindly following their leader (you guys can fill in the blanks), as opposed to a rambunctious country like America, where protesting is a way of life?

4) Why didn't anybody at NASA see the spaceship coming?

You get where I'm going with this. The show makes no sense, and I'm very frustrated that I spent almost an hour half-paying attention to it. The fiance enjoyed it, but I have no plans to catch the next episode. Blergh. F-minus.

V: I Changed My Mind. Maybe.

I'm no fool. I'm well aware that I am "missing out" on some of the best shows on TV. Par exemple: Before this weekend's experiment, NCIS had never graced my screen. Nor has CSI. Or 30 Rock.

I am also aware that most of the stuff I love has never--and will never-- crack the top 20 list. (Chuck, I'm sorry, but I speak the truth.)

Now we can add V to the former category. I didn't watch the premiere Tuesday night, but apparently, everyone else did. About 14 million people watched, and that's not including all the people who DVR'd or downloaded it. Even the fiancé downloaded it. I felt sort of betrayed when he told me, because I specifically told him last week "I'm not watching the remake."

Anywho. Now that episode is sitting on his computer, and it's calling to me: "Watch me. Watch me now."

But I'm torn. On the one hand, the show will run just four weeks before disappearing until March. On the other hand, I am now quite curious about it. I mean, what is it about this crazy show that ABC was willing to pollute the whole planet to promote?

Here's what I'll do. If I keep hearing good things about the show, I'll download the rest of the episodes and watch them at the end of February.

I don't get ABC's decision to do this, kill the momentum of a show ON PURPOSE. Your viewers deserve better, ABC.

V: I Don't Think So.

We are less than 3 weeks away from the premiere of V, ABC's remake of the 1980s miniseries about aliens who land on earth. I could go further into the details about this show, but I just. don't. care.

There seems to be a trend among the broadcasters to find old shows/movies and make "new" shows out of them. Knight Rider, American Gladiators, Melrose Place, 90210, Eastwick. CBS is even making a new Hawaii Five-O. Yes. Hawaii Five-O.

I don't get it--aren't TV networks all about the younger viewers, ages 18-49? Why, then, would they think we're interested in shows from the Dark Ages?

I know, not all TV remakes are bad. I love the new/old Melrose. But the networks have to take a serious look at what kind of audience watched the old shows, and whether they want that same audience to watch the newer version. If you want to cater to the Grandpa demographic, then go ahead, NBC, remake The Rockford Files. I'll be over here watching fresh, original programming like Fox's Glee and ABC's Modern Family.

I digress. Going back to V--there is a fair amount of buzz surrounding the new ABC version, so I went and downloaded the original. The first episode was just aiiight. So I watched another one. Then I went on vacation with my fiance's family.

Fiance: Should I bring some episodes on my laptop?

Me: Sure...eh...nah. We'll just watch them when we get back.

That didn't happen. Neither of us was interested in a time period when women had big hair and wore lots of eyeliner.

The newer version of V stars that blonde from Lost. No, not Sonya Walger. The other blonde, the one who plays Juliet. I don't know why ABC likes to recycle all its blondes on all the other shows on the network--Rebecca Romijn and Julie Bowen, just to name a few others. I'm tired of it.

In short, I have no plans to watch V. The original was eh, the cast is eh, and the plot is unoriginal. Sorry, ABC.