A Very Dexter Thanksgiving.

There are certain things you expect going into an episode of Dexter. You know Dexter will kill someone. You know Deb will swear a lot. You know Masuka will say something really dirty-sounding and it's supposed to be all the funnier because he's a short, bald Asian man (sigh).

This being the fourth season of Dexter, I'm used to all those things. They are part of the show's charm. And this Sunday's episode, being a Thanksgiving-themed one, I expected maybe a little human slice 'n dice before turkey slice 'n dice. Nothing more, nothing less.

Um. I was really, really wrong.

The episode. was. INSANE.

That's really the only word I can think of to describe it. So many crazy things happened--especially in the last ten minutes. At various points, my hands were over my ears, over my mouth, over my eyes. Here, in a nutshell, is what happened on this very Dexter Thanksgiving:

1) John Lithgow, aka the Trinity Killer, is watching football with his son. At one point, someone scores a touchdown. John Lithgow high-fives his son, then turns the high-five into a hand grip, then proceeds to BREAK HIS SON'S THUMB ON PURPOSE. Son bites his fist and tries not to make a sound so his mother and sister don't hear. Truly one of the most agonizing scenes I've ever seen on television. And that includes the trailer for Old Dogs.

2) During the meal, John Lithgow makes everyone say what they're thankful for. Nobody says they're thankful for John Lithgow. So he starts yelling at his son, and when his wife steps in, he yells at his wife and calls her a not very nice name that begins with a c. I have never heard that word on TV before. Oh my delicate, non-cable-subscribing ears.

3) Having had enough of his dad, John Lithgow's son gets up and says THIS IS ALL A LIE, THIS LIFE, THIS FAMILY. YOU'RE A KILLER, DAD! and proceeds to smash John Lithgow's urn (which contains the ashes of his dead sister) to the floor. John Lithgow starts to strangle him. Dexter takes his belt and starts strangling John Lithgow. He drags John Lithgow to the kitchen and takes a giant knife and is about to kill him when the wife comes in and starts screaming. Dexter runs out of the house. He gets in his car and drives home, all the while talking to his dead father's ghost.

4) By the way, while Dexter was out, Rita was kissed by the neighbor, whose name is Elliot. Thanks, writers, I really liked that name for one of my future sons, and now it's tainted.

5) Masuka threw his chocolate love cakes into the garbage. This made me sad. Writers, can we please get Masuka a girlfriend?

6) Quinn's girlfriend Christine, the journalist, answers a knock on her door. It's John Lithgow. I think he's going to kill her for writing about the Trinity Killer in the paper. Instead of her going, "Who the heck are you?" and him bludgeoning her to death, she goes, "Hi Dad." End episode.

Hollllllly crap! We found out last week Deb was shot by somebody Masuka's height, so it couldn't have been Trinity. Now it's clear: Christine the journalist did it, probably because her dad Trinity told her to. So not only is she desperate and clingy and annoying, she's also inherited the psycho gene. Ahhh.

Dexter, you have officially lifted the curse of the Holiday Episode. This is one that can be watched again and again (and by watched I mean with my hands over my eyes) no matter what time of year it is. It is that good.

Happy Thanksgiving, readers! And if you're having dinner with John Lithgow, remember to tell him you're thankful for him.