Every September, a slew of terribly written, unwatchable TV shows invade our homes. We don’t mean to let them in. It’s just that the posters plastered all over the subway stations and the cool pop-up ads in Entertainment Weekly slow our immune system and we think, Hey, maybe this’ll be good. I’ve got nothing better to do. One hour later, you’re hating yourself for watching almost a full episode of Dollhouse. No more, you say. No more.
Here are the three shows (only three???) I predict will crash and burn, not unlike Crash Course on ABC. Keep in mind, I am only naming the shows that have had huge marketing and promos. A bomb is not a bomb if nobody hears it go off.
Cougar Town, ABC: I have not seen the first episode, but just thinking about the tired premise makes me vomit. Cougar Town is about Courteney Cox, now in her 40s, trying to date 20-something men while being a single mom. CBS has a similar show premiering this fall, Accidentally on Purpose, starring Jenna Elfman. Why is everyone trying to be younger than they are? Why are the networks trying to convince us that we should date a man 15 years our junior to achieve happiness? And so, I refuse to watch any of this crap. Sorry, Jon Foster, I really liked you in Life As We Know It, in which you slept with your teacher. But I think you’re starting to typecast yourself.
Eastwick, ABC: This show is a mishmash of Charmed, Lipstick Jungle, and Cashmere Mafia (which I actually liked). It features three gorgeous women who happen to be witches. They use their powers to get what they want and they bond over their crazy lives. It’s based on a movie I never saw, which was based on a book I never read. I have better things to do on Wednesday nights.
Three Rivers, CBS: I’m on the fence with this one. It’s about organ donors at a transplant hospital. The extended preview, both times I saw it, made me weep. There is also a hot Asian male costar, which is unheard of in network television. Daniel Henney, I really wish this was your big break. I wish Alex O’Loughlin was more charismatic, so this show at least has a chance of succeeding. I wish this show wasn’t on Sundays at 9, the same time as Desperate Housewives. I wish I didn’t get the Coldplay song “Fix You” stuck in my head every d*mned time I think of this show.
I’m not touching Mercy and Trauma, both on NBC, because I have not seen a single ad for either of them. Come to think of it, I have not watched NBC all summer, so that could explain why. But I don’t know why NBC thinks we need two new hospital dramas to make up for the canceled ER. It was canceled for a reason. Nobody was watching it. Move on, NBC.